this is not nearly as well thought out and sophisticated as anything by Williams, but I had fun with it. Any suggestions on the rhythm/rhyme, or on keeping the imagery moving, would be appreciated.
I see you in the sultry not-vegas night
boiling with smog and nile infections
streets roiling with a zombie crowds reflection
-- how death hurts
dance the soul's paperweight pulling us to earth --
above the masses your hot head in stars
calling millions and millions as the next Carl Sagan
denying the billions of old Ronald Reagan
the dance of the cosmos for brains and not bombs
I see you, rich hobo, jumping trains:
foxtrotting through life like you were Fred Astaire
new age hips rolling ivory comb in your hair
tear up that mother
of pearl dancefloor grab yourself there
lighthouse shining for more the plexus the beacon
the nexus of your universe
solar motion around a burning black hole
of sound
releasing energy
screaming entropy
in chemical reactions
don't keep me waiting - hit the action action
movie music jazz hands trombone we break feathered couples
into powerhouse factions blaring through tendons and tires
on hot concrete your fire
sears through my bones my marrow
your tears on my skin milky burning sin
inside backside
the upside to spearmint mastication
rastifaction I got rattails and pigtails
coattails in the closet cuz all my skeletons dance swing
gum-chewing fiends all clattering teeth and knees
dreadlocked into the heart of the land
I'm locked in the palm of your dark loam hand
your lifelines and landlines
crease into me future flaws and crimes
not mine
but I take them as mine as I take you
I do - I fold into you
for better or for worse
I walk in your skin I sing through your verse
we samba and tango a mismatched pair
cursed like the knifefight raven and the old woods wolf
you pull hearts from lovers I howl their heavy ocean
of sex and sadness to the moon
you moan and I croon
and us carny animals carnal and new
soon we will have the world to ourselves soon
rise above the dead and the living
high as cliffs over the living dead
my head back
pierced wolf-woman ears
ready for the whip-crack of your black-bird voice
we will rise above the dying and their fears
the dancers aren't dying and the lovers aren't dying
don't believe in death tears are for pleasure triumph is for crying
decrying to the skies
we will rise
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
S1--Awesome.
S2--somewhere in the middle, I got...lost. I dunno. Like I was reading a grocery list or something. The words are brilliant, the imagery fantastic...perhaps the structure needs adjusting?
I love the tingle of "we will rise"!
-Evang.
There's something about "roiling". I love the word, but the "roi" in it seems to be a funny shape to make with your mouth that takes a while to say. Unless it's pronounced as "rolling", in which case disregard. Or maybe I'm just over thinking it
^I like this part. Alot, alot. I think the image is well done.
^I like the internal rhyme here.
^ "animals" and "carnal" seemed out of place to me, rhythmically, because each have syllable counts much longer than other words in the line, and they're in the middle, so there's not as much of a sense of speeding up to the end.
^I very much like how this line reads, I'm just not sure about repeating "dying"; I'd pick a different -ing word (maybe they're crying here?), but then if there's internal rhyme there, it sounds strange to me for there to be end rhyme as well. Personally, I'd go with the internal rhyme.
If the line ends with "crying", I think it sounds odd for the first word of the next line to include "crying", almost like you've repeated the word. I think "to the skies" sounds just very long to say; I'd strike the "to". Similarly, in the first line quoted above, I'd consider striking one or both "for"s.
Of course, I loved the dancing imagery! I love the phrase "not-vegas night" I want to say that it trips, but it does so not in the sense that I had trouble reading it, but in the sense that it's a purposeful trip, more like a skip/bounce that's pleasant to read. In the first part, I didn't like how various people were mentioned, it seemed a little too concrete for what I had been thinking about the rest of the poem.
^I like this line too.
I think that the big second stanza, especially the first half or so, got a little caught up in itself, and as such, got a little off track, but the first and the last few stanzas were love-ily tight.
PM me if you have any questions!
-Amelia
I loved the pace of this piece, I think the flow is great. A few things I'm unsure about:
Did you repeat "action" on purpose?
I don't think cuz sounded right, it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the poem.
Great job, otherwise - interesting imagery, I like your style.